Friday, December 2, 2011
The battle of waiting
I mindlessly griped on my bag strap. It had been my company for a countless 'friendship-holding-hands'. Through making an expressive clasp from this strap, I felt like no one could ever drag me off. Hundred steps, I did not notice. I inevitably sensed something was going to hit me. I stopped. Then, ignored. Though quite exhausted, I kept on striding while carrying the burdened silence. It seemed that everyone's eye was glued at staring at me. Immediately, an aggravating shyness blurted out my countenance compensating over my spine and shattered my adrenaline. 'Why don't these souls stop on observing and talking about me? I'm not famous... and I hate fame.' my mind obnoxiously sounded. Still, I gripped harder and walked as if I was in stupor. Near half an hour passed and the deafening meditation was over. I bid goodbye to my friendly bag strap. As I stopped for a while, the earth suddenly revolved for its changing task. The cloud had driven out the sun elsewhere as I no longer felt its painful pierce from its rays. A new breeze and a swirling mist assembled to bustle for a rain. Rapidly, they fell as an unstoppable million of warrior descending to conquer an oppressive land. Looking for a place to stand by, there, I witnessed the battle of rain. Staring at nowhere, I heaved a big sigh. I had thought of the things I forgot to reach out.
Too many weeks I missed to hang out, days to find rest, moments to chat with my mom, hours to pray long and nights to watch the stars. There is a lot of things I had skipped or even had forgotten to dwell on. I even missed my Facebook account to which I could steal a wee hour of clicking on my notifications and messages during my research periods. Only from reading his replies I spared a time to meet a part of myself. Yes. Only a part. Because I left the portion of my heart to someone I cannot show what I felt. He had my heart that was what I know. Yet, he cannot totally own it.
Dealing with commitment without preparation would be the most frustrating stand being a woman. It's to establish a godly standard where a woman is ought to serve with fullness of patience and purity. She must indeed wait for the man she desired to be faithful as well as the man should wait until the most perfect time God has prepared for them. 'I knew it..He's gonna wait for me. He promised to be faithful 'til we graduate... even without constant communication.' " How is he?" I muttered. "When was the last time we saw each other? ..I can't remember. Half an hour ended and I was caught by the wind.
The battle was over. I could count the warriors dropping on the trees and grasses. They had successfully made an engrossing hush from the struggle of war. What a refreshing existence to meet the ardent hug of quietness. From then, I stepped out of the little canopy and waved for a ride. I'll go for Fb. I missed it. words that suddenly popped on my mind. I glanced back to the place where I had been a minute ago. The little canopy, the rain, the leaves and the silence. .. But no. I don't miss Facebook. I miss him. As I left, I was trapped on a shadow of nostalgia. The moments I'd experience broke my strength and positive mindset. I managed not to be carried away. But the leaf with the single drop of water flashed back. I was reminded not to send messages to him again. He's already in a relationship with someone else. He forgot to wait for me. He forgot his promises. An abrupt melancholy engrossed my broken heart. I tried to hide the tears yet they could not resist to be imprisoned inside my eyelids. I had also been a prisoner of the past. By then, I let them fall like warriors fighting the hidden pain. No need to hold them back. I had to cry to win the battle. I had to accept we're over.